This is not the end yet, maybe...
"The human heart like a ship in a stormy sea"
Galedan, Chapter Master of Dark Angels legion (before Caliban fall)
Hello! Only recently I thought, that my life after all began to iprove. But my soul is stormed for now. My mental don't become better, nightmares don't left me, and, I am not perfectly sure in my life and moral values.
As you maybe know, my mother died more than 4 years ago and some day, I spoke with her in a dream and I asked her: "When a time will come to die?", she answered: "For you it's still early". This "still early" scared and puzzeld me. From that moment I tryed to find answer: "When it will be not "early"?"
I am just 24 and you maybe say: "Boy! Let it go and you have the whole life ahead!" or "Why is your life so bad?" I answer: my life is not so "bad", I have family, I took a dog from the shelter and for now I love this dog more, than my own life, and she loves me. I have not the worst work in world. And, you maybe say, I must live for this!
And, I asked advice from different people and my psychiatrist and most says this. Every new day I live by a small light in my soul in the world of dark and shit. And I ask myself for what?!! Continue my agony and existence for a life of others?!! Maybe I will choose, whet it is time?!!
About "Let it go and free yourself from a meaningless guilt" I can not, are you crazy? Life can kill us or our loved ones literally, but we must not do it by ourselfs from our soul. I will not make a deal for my conscience to switch it for something else, like others do! Not You, will decide how me to live, how me to sorrow and pay for my sins!
I don't sure, why I am writing this, what I want: help, understnading, pity or something else?
For now, I have unfinished businesses to complte, I am not saying goodbye, but, if I will disappear, more than 2 weeks, you will understand by yourself, what hapended. If I can't, or fate will decide by another way or Salvation will come to me (call it by how you want), I will become another man. I don't think, that it will change my creativity here (still one of my outleys), but even not so long ago I again to myself rethought a Princess Luna's story (her character story) and this truly a nightmare, but in real life we are not always have people, who really helps us to live life again... A nd we live this by own how we can with uncertain final. Other minds and morals will also will be rethought I think...
I not say goodbye, we will se again by this, or another one, take care of yourselfs! Finish for now with this:
"Ah how we want, ah how we want not to die, but sleep!"
Vladimir Vysotsky "Road to paradise" ,1974.